Friendship

I had a friend who recently asked for input from people about what it takes to be a good friend. In my response to her, I hadn't realized that I actually possessed so much information. Whether or not it is actually sound advice- I don't know, but I have a pretty good track record of keeping friendships alive and healthy (although some have gotten sick and died along the way!)
I have been BLESSED beyond belief with
many people who I consider to be good friends. They have tolerated me for years and I believe part of the key to the success of our relationships is THEIR patience. Steph is the feather in my cap of friendships. We have been BEST friends for 27 years and have never even exchanged harsh words. We have weathered every imaginable storm and come out with our sails held high. We have seen each other through parental divorce, childhood dysfunction, teenage anxiety, death, marital strifes, childbirth and every other milestone in life. I have learned much from her example, and have developed a confidence in my ability to be more likeable (okay- there are individuals who would debate you at length on this subject!!).
After a lengthy answer to Carol's questions, I realized that I could have been much more concise in my advice (this wasn't a deliberate attempt at poetry!) I could have carved it all down to one word...GIVE.
Every pregnant paragraph of wisdom could have taken down to one little sentence- all beginning with the word GIVE.
*GIVE of yourself. Allow people to see you for who you are. How can someone truly like you (or dislike you) unless they know who you are? Friends are determined by the ones who like you 'in spite'.... When you allow yourself to be vulnerable, they will be more likely to allow themselves to be more vulnerable too. That will put you on a level playing field and leave less room for being judgemental.
*GIVE the benefit of the doubt. Never assume that people are doing things out of malice. There is usually a good explanation for everyone's actions. It could be lame...but it may be their rationale. Even when you want to roll your eyes and scream, understand that we all look at the world from a different angle.
*GIVE grace. When a friend does do something that may be hurtful, remember that you have probably hurt them too at some point. Realize that you probably didn't mean to- and neither did they.
*GIVE them what they need. Every person is different, and so is every friendship. I have some friends who need constant love and support. I have some who understand that my life is busy, and if I don't contact them every day- that is alright. I have some that need my humor, and some that need my ear. I have some that need my honesty and some that need my time. If the Golden Rule is to do unto others as you would have them do unto you- I say you should apply the Silver Rule to friendships..."Do unto others as they NEED you to do unto them."
Unfortunately, I also have a few friends who need a large dose of tolerance (this is where you apply the Golden part!)- but I think God brings those people into our circle to give us an example of how NOT to behave. When I feel a friendship slipping, I look at my more difficult friends and wonder if I am exhibiting characteristics that I would not appreciate. They help keep me grounded in reality and humble about my own abilities to be the kind of friend that I should be.
*GIVE honesty. Even when it may not be what they want to hear, they will respect you for having the guts to say it....hopefully. You have to be honest with yourself also, and willing to TAKE honesty from them. And of course, always be kind...this is something I continue to work on. My brutal honesty has always been my downfall, and in order to truly keep people from wanting to punch me in the face while I dole out my advice, I have had to learn to be a little more ....delicate. (I'm sure I have provided that 'bad example' I spoke of earlier to many over the years!)
I write all of this with the assumption that my friends have been honest with me. If you want their input, feel free to contact them and find out what kind of friend I really am. If you find out I'm not the pillar of love and acceptance I perceive myself to be, please let me know so I can rip up my notes and go back to the drawing board. Oh yeah- and humility...still working on that one!